Memoirs Feedback

[reaper239]

Something seems strange about your tense. It's like you're relating the story in both past and present tense, but not exclusive of each other. I noted this in your latest instalment. It can be confusing as to whether the character is thinking or remembering. I'm still a little off-put by the generic lists of action:



It's easy to fall into the trap of doing this, thinking that you're painting a picture, but you're just giving me a list, and lists don't make for pretty. You could consider chopping passages like this down to a minimum: Devil and Mouse took turns hauling everyone onto the wall as Ogre and Big Dog aided them from below.

Keep it simple when you can.

I think what is most confusing is whether I'm reading a third person narrative or if I'm reading a diary. I'd also recommend getting rid of the Georgian "dialogue" in favour of either direct translation or go with nothing but a reference to "a voice speaking Georgian over the radio." Anything else is unnecessary. Your average reader isn't going to be able to even identify the language, let alone be able to translate what is on the page.

It's not a bad story, and with some work with an editor you could probably streamline it into something very readable for more than just fans of military fiction. As it stands right now I'm willing to bet that it isn't going to appeal to a broad audience. Then again, it depends on who you're writing for, and what you hope to achieve by writing this. If you're simply flexing your chops and trying to improve then I'd have to say big ups for your growth. You've improved greatly since the first instalment.

in the beginning it is established that it is being written by the character as a kind of tell all memoir regarding the fictional events in the story. the whole thing culminates in a grand news catching display that draws the attention of the nation but is never explained fully, and this (years after the event) is that explenation from the man behind the scenes. so it is kind of both a third person narrative and a personal diary rolled into one. it's told from his perspective, but like with the every man thing, sometimes he just tells the story a little differently. think about when you tell a story to your friends (well, maybe not you but, you know, normal people ) you don't always keep the same steady flow, your story shifts a bit the way you say a specific detail might change with re-tellings, but story telling is a fluid process. that's kind of where this is.

regarding the paragraph you referenced, i wrote it (and several others like it) to convey a sense of time. i wanted to give the feeling of time actually passing as the actions take place, not just saying 'such and such happened' but giving the process, as someone of welsh's particular skill set and background might be apt to do. however, looking at it now, i see what you're talking about, the list of names can get tiring. gonna take a second look at some of those, see if i can convey time with wasting it.


the average reader isn't supposed to be able to translate the georgian text, or even really follow the english bits, except to glean bits of information from them. again, i wanted to convey the passage of time, the georgian is written, and then you see a series of actions underneath it, and i was hoping that the reader would be able to marry the two, that the one accompanied the other.

as for who it is intended to appeal to, just me. as i'm sure happens with any avid reader, i reached a point where i thought "i'd like to see this type of book, and i have an idea for a perfect story to fit there." so i started writing. this is so much better than when i first started writing. the first thing i tried to write was a resident evil fan fic back in highschool (throughout my highschool career) and the change from the first thing i wrote to when i finally put that to bed knowing that no amount of retro editing i ever did would see it published was astounding. by the time i was done with it i had reached a point of understanding that i had improved, was improving, and would continue to improve to a point far beyond what i had currently achieved, so i put it to bed (it is now gone forever since that computer was destroyed) and started a different work.