Memoirs Feedback

[reaper239]

For me it was far too much time spent on things that didn't move the story forward--e.g. the guns and ammo aspect. It's military based, I get that, but I felt it was at the expense of characterization, and really felt like filler. I get that there's a language that you're trying to capture, but I really didn't feel connected to any character.

I'll totally read a second draft, which I assume you'll be posting soon.

2nd Draft = 1st draft - 10%

ok, so what about this: the original sentence was "My team consisted of me with my MK18 Mod 0 with all the fixings, Shorty with his Bushmaster ACR, Deacon with his SCAR-H, King and his M60, and our spook was G-Man wielding a Mk11 Mod 0."

i revised it leaving only pertinent details: My team consisted of me, Shorty, Deacon, and King carrying a M60, and our spook was G-Man filling the role of the sniper.

what do you think?

as for the main squad, the weapons are actually pertinent to the roles they fill. i feel like i need to convey that information, but i agree, listing in the story as it is kind of takes up some of the pacing, and gets a little dry.