It's an interesting story, so far. Granted I'm only through Chapter two at the moment. It's a little difficult to read for two reasons:


  • A lot of your dialogue is not tagged, so it's a lot of guess work to determine who is speaking and whom they are speaking to.
  • Using numbers to represent words. 1 for One and 2 for too, to and two. That's a terrible habit and one that makes me, as a reader, feel that really don't care about my experience in reading it.


Technical flaws aside (grammar and spelling basics), it's not a terrible story. My only recommendation would be to work with a second set of eyes. Find someone willing to edit and proofread your work before you submit each piece. There's a good deal of potential there for an interesting story if you take a little time to smooth out the rough edges.