My writings, let me show you them!
Going to start off my random writing thread with a short story I submit to Nik to be considered for the Writing Lounge/FanFic Writers...thingy. I just wanted a place where I could post my shtuff and get some feedback from you folks. I know there are a lot of intelligent and interesting peoples in this forum so here are my writings, let me show you them!
Made up as I went along, so forgive me if it's bleh:
The Adventures of Bohb and Jon
Bob and John were middle school friends. They were sitting in class when Bob spied through the window a firefighter getting a cat out of a tree. Bob convinced John that they should do the same, claiming they could make millions rescuing all the neighborhood cats. So they immediately left the classroom and set to climbing trees. It resulted in an abundance of scratches and cats and a shortage of money and enthusiasm. A chef for a Chinese restaurant happened by and paid the boys handsomely for all the cats. He liked cats.
"We should totally be chefs!" Bob said and he immediately set off with John in tow. They wound up entering a Mexican restaurant with a "For Hire/Ayudame" sign dangling in the window. The boys got jobs as bus boys with the promise that one day they'd graduate to be chefs. Some time later as the boys had aged into young teenagers, it happened that the Immigration Officers raided the restaurant. The boys, who had failed to go home since they had left their classroom some years ago were mistaken for illegal aliens, being that they were quite dirty and worked in that restaurant, a renowned establishment for undocumented workers. Bob and John were bused to Mexico with only the clothes on their back.
"Dude, remember how awesome we were at climbing trees?" Bob asked of John. "We should totally be lumberjacks in the rainforest." And so they set out to the rain forests of South America, traveling by foot and rail. It took some years but the boys arrived in Brazil and set out into the rainforest with axes in hand. For a time they enjoyed their work, but after encountering some local villagers Bob looked at his blistered hands.
"Dude, this sucks. Let's stop killing tree and help these farmer dudes." So they took up the life of a Brazilian rainforest villager. It was hard work but offered more variety and pride than felling trees in a rainforest. Some mornings they would hunt boar and others they would plant yams. At night they drank schnapps made from chewed peaches and old lady spit and sat around the fire telling stories of ferocious cats in trees, a millionaire samurai chef, and aliens from another world that spoke Spanish. It was in that village that John met a girl and married her according to the customs of the tribe.
"Dude, this is boring. None of these chicks are hot. Let's bail." Bob said to John, hauling him off in a burlap sack out of the village. Bob lost his bearings and carried the bound John deep into the forest. The two fell down a steep slope and into a river. The river carried them over a waterfall before dumping the two into the ocean. Waking on the shore of some beach Bob spotted the burlap sack a distance aways. He quickly raced to the motionless heap and opened the bag to find John without a breath in his lungs. He quickly practiced CPR and restored life to John. Whatever anger John had was gone for his friend Bob had saved his life.
"Sorry Dude." Bob said. "But where are we anyway?" They strolled the beach for hours before winding up back where they started. The island was small and devoid of Tom Hanks and a volleyball. They built a bar out of drift wood and served up coconut schnapps, using the method learned from the old ladies with the spit back in the rainforest. Soon Filipinos and Jamaicans flocked to the island. It happened that one day Bob ran into Elizabeth Shoe, the actress and not the renowned haberdasher. The two hit it off and soon Bob gave her the best one night stand she ever had.
"Dude. I think Elizabeth Shoe is pregnant. We have to ditch the bar." And so Bob and John set fire to their bar in the middle of the night and threw their teeth into the fire convincing everyone, including Elizabeth Shoe that they had died. Under the fake names of Bohb and Jon, they used their last dollars to fly to Sweden. There Bob used his charisma to get them jobs as ski instructors. Jon took to the work well and had the biggest trophies for skiing the biggest of all the bunny hills. Bohb was terrible and never made out with the tall and attractive Swedish girls. He thought that perhaps if he were taller that women would want him.
"Dude, let's volunteer for this experimental Swedish drug that makes you basketball tall." So Bohb obtained the pills and received a $1,000 check. Jon was placed in an observation room for several months. The pills did not work and now Bohb had to devise a way to rescue his friend. He used his skis to pole vault over the fence of the pharmaceutical company and bust out Jon. The Swedish police, with their funny accents quickly arrested Bohb and Jon and sentenced them to 2 years in a Swedish prison.
"Man..." Bohb said. Jon could not agree more. When they were released Bohb used his connections from his bar tending days to get them jobs in the United States. Jon took a job as a chauffeur to a famous actress and her bastard child while Bohb took work as a paparazzo. He photographed various stars and even managed to out Tom Cruise and John Travolta. It was during Bohbs midlife crisis that he longed for a new life. After retiring from the Paparazzi Guild, Bohb got Jon fired by reporting that Jon had never actually obtained a drivers licence.
"Dude, we should spend our final years fishing." Bohb said. Jon winced at this but agreed. They spent some years becoming quite the anglers. Bohb was a natural. He took to telling fish stories exceptionally well for he was a good liar. Jon did not fair too well but managed to catch enough fish to keep them fed. One day a giant whale swallowed their boat, but fortunately Bohb and Jon were not in it at the time. Bohb saw the act as an omen.
"Dude, let's become competitive eaters!" Jon looked down at his aged body and then back up to Bohb. "Dude," Jon said, "I am seriously getting tired of your shit."
Bohb's old eyes quivered with tears at his friends words. Jon shook his head with silent regret. He placed a hand on Bohb's shoulder and smiled. "Dude," Bohb said, "do you think that china man ate those cats?!" Jon shrugged and the two walked down the street in search of an all you can eat buffet.
