what do you think of this revision
We vaulted the wall in quick succession, two at a time, until everyone made it over and Mouse and Devil dropped off the wall.
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what do you think of this revision
We vaulted the wall in quick succession, two at a time, until everyone made it over and Mouse and Devil dropped off the wall.
It's far more succinct, and has more strength in it than the succession of names for the sake of filling space. Strive for elegant simplicity. It's like pushing a plate of food at someone who isn't hungry. If you want the reader to invest in the story it's often best to allow them to create a lot of details for themselves. I tend to go no further than hair and eye colour, sometimes the clothing, but more often than not I try to be as terse as possible with description, focusing more attention on the why as opposed to the what or how. If that makes sense. I'd love to see a complete polished version with formatting more becoming the written word--it's very difficult to format anything on here with any success. Still . . . looking forward to seeing more.
I came across a copy of the first book that wrote when I was in junior high (grade nine) about a year ago, read it, and immediately wanted to stab myself in the face with a broken bottle because I had actually shown it to people. There is no amount of editing or drafting that I could do to that piece of shit to make it readable by anyone with more than a grade five education. It really is a beautiful thing to see the growth in yourself, at least it was for me. Applause for your efforts, sir.
As for the rest of it, it's really all personal taste. If you're writing it for yourself then by all means carry on. I would still consider finding another way to convey the language barrier as it shows two things to the reader: a) you are able to make me understand that the character doesn't understand the language without pushing it on me in a way that makes me think that I should understand, and b) that you don't need to rely on anything but your ability to string the language together to make me understand. It shows confidence. But! that's just the editor in me speaking.
As for the structure, I wouldn't be adverse to seeing a draft with a tighter perspective. You're doing well with the third person, falling into the diary aspect can be done so many other ways. Again, that's a personal choice. Switching perspectives can cause confusion with a reader (can, not saying is), and a confused reader is one more likely to put the book down, and go outside/online/to sleep.